![queersecrets:
[image: a thin, androgynous person with short, dark hair and a medium skin tone wearing a jean jacket and skinny jeans sits between a screenprinted bag and a motorcycle helmet in front of a decrepit building, their face set in a neutral expression, eyes off in the distance. text: “whenever a cis woman says she’s really attracted to trans men, i get this anxious feeling in my stomach because i know she doesn’t really see us as men”]
Oh dear, I’m having a really intense reaction to this post. How can we homogenize cis women and assume that their statements of attraction to trans men could possibly all mean the same thing? Why are we talking about the gender identity of these women as if it has an intrinsic correlation to their sexuality/desire? If the writer were to specify cis straight-identified women, I would be confused, because the few times I’ve heard trans men talk about being hit on by straight-identified women, they’ve felt affirmed at being read in their masculinity. I’m assuming the writer is referring to cis gay-identified women, mirroring complaints I’ve heard from trans men who feel like this desire delegitimizes their masculinity. But why are we assuming that our gender is the variable that shifts in this equation? Sexuality is complicated and there are certainly times when you may feel attracted to someone, even though it challenges your sexual orientation. That is, if you allow yourself to register the attraction. When I was strongly dyke-identified I didn’t register how I felt about some girly men as attraction, because my sexual orientation lens had no room for such desire. Maybe instead of feeling our gender threatened by the sexuality of people that are into us, we should recognize the limits of our current gender-based sexual categories which can’t account for the attraction.
I also take issue with the oversimplification of what it means to “really” be a man. To suggest that gay women could only be attracted to trans men if they are reading us as women is to suggest that there are no other differences between cis men and trans men to account for the attraction. I recognize that there are some men who consider their transgender experience a biological fluke and see themselves as cis men who were unfairly placed in the wrong body. I understand that they might perceive anyone distinguishing between them and cis men as unjust discrimination. It is also an incredibly painful thing to have your identity delegitimized by a partner and the creator of this secret may be speaking from that place of pain, for which I am very very sorry. But I’m uncomfortable with writing off all cis women attracted to trans men explicitly because I identify very strongly as a transgender man and my cis girlfriend’s love and affirmation of this difference is a crucial aspect of our relationship.
Here some reasons (derived from my and friends’ experiences) why a cis woman might be attracted specifically to trans men:
1. Trans men may have a different relationship to masculinity by virtue of having female experience. We may be able to relate to major issues like sexual harassment/discrimination, fatphobic body pressure, sexist condescension and the operation of patriarchy, as well as life events like female puberty and early childhood socialization. Some cis women may find it appealing to relate to a man who has an experiential understanding of womanhood, even though it is not his current state.
2. Trans men may have a level of self-awareness and confidence, by virtue of having done the soul searching necessary to come out and explain themselves to everyone. They may have been pressured by friends, family members or therapists to tell their stories and make sense of their feelings and needs, so may have an expanded vocabulary for doing so.
3. Trans bodies are sexy beyond belief and women may have a preference for certain kinds of male bodies, just as some people have tendencies for the height/weight/age of their partners. Some trans people are offended by mention of bodies in discussions of attraction, as if to discuss our bodies is to bring up a liability that makes us less attractive. I think that’s a defeatist attitude that reinforces cis bodies as the attractiveness standard and prefer to talk openly and frankly about the fact that all bodies are different and people may have preferences. Knowing that my girlfriend is attracted to me because of, not in spite of, my body has been a life-giving force and I never would have gained that knowledge if I hadn’t been willing to have a body-focused conversation.
Also, whenever I hear trans guys talk about feeling like their masculinity is undermined by a gay women who’s attracted to them, I am reminded of the straight cis guys who justify violence against gay men by asserting that their masculinity was threatened by a come-on (actual or imagined). Maybe someone will be attracted to us and we’re not the typical object of that sort of sexual attention, but that’s fine! We can be flattered that someone recognized how cute we are and move on.](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lmmvs4ZWu41qcpj7wo1_400.jpg)
[image: a thin, androgynous person with short, dark hair and a medium skin tone wearing a jean jacket and skinny jeans sits between a screenprinted bag and a motorcycle helmet in front of a decrepit building, their face set in a neutral expression, eyes off in the distance. text: “whenever a cis woman says she’s really attracted to trans men, i get this anxious feeling in my stomach because i know she doesn’t really see us as men”]
Oh dear, I’m having a really intense reaction to this post. How can we homogenize cis women and assume that their statements of attraction to trans men could possibly all mean the same thing? Why are we talking about the gender identity of these women as if it has an intrinsic correlation to their sexuality/desire? If the writer were to specify cis straight-identified women, I would be confused, because the few times I’ve heard trans men talk about being hit on by straight-identified women, they’ve felt affirmed at being read in their masculinity. I’m assuming the writer is referring to cis gay-identified women, mirroring complaints I’ve heard from trans men who feel like this desire delegitimizes their masculinity. But why are we assuming that our gender is the variable that shifts in this equation? Sexuality is complicated and there are certainly times when you may feel attracted to someone, even though it challenges your sexual orientation. That is, if you allow yourself to register the attraction. When I was strongly dyke-identified I didn’t register how I felt about some girly men as attraction, because my sexual orientation lens had no room for such desire. Maybe instead of feeling our gender threatened by the sexuality of people that are into us, we should recognize the limits of our current gender-based sexual categories which can’t account for the attraction.
I also take issue with the oversimplification of what it means to “really” be a man. To suggest that gay women could only be attracted to trans men if they are reading us as women is to suggest that there are no other differences between cis men and trans men to account for the attraction. I recognize that there are some men who consider their transgender experience a biological fluke and see themselves as cis men who were unfairly placed in the wrong body. I understand that they might perceive anyone distinguishing between them and cis men as unjust discrimination. It is also an incredibly painful thing to have your identity delegitimized by a partner and the creator of this secret may be speaking from that place of pain, for which I am very very sorry. But I’m uncomfortable with writing off all cis women attracted to trans men explicitly because I identify very strongly as a transgender man and my cis girlfriend’s love and affirmation of this difference is a crucial aspect of our relationship.
Here some reasons (derived from my and friends’ experiences) why a cis woman might be attracted specifically to trans men:
1. Trans men may have a different relationship to masculinity by virtue of having female experience. We may be able to relate to major issues like sexual harassment/discrimination, fatphobic body pressure, sexist condescension and the operation of patriarchy, as well as life events like female puberty and early childhood socialization. Some cis women may find it appealing to relate to a man who has an experiential understanding of womanhood, even though it is not his current state.
2. Trans men may have a level of self-awareness and confidence, by virtue of having done the soul searching necessary to come out and explain themselves to everyone. They may have been pressured by friends, family members or therapists to tell their stories and make sense of their feelings and needs, so may have an expanded vocabulary for doing so.
3. Trans bodies are sexy beyond belief and women may have a preference for certain kinds of male bodies, just as some people have tendencies for the height/weight/age of their partners. Some trans people are offended by mention of bodies in discussions of attraction, as if to discuss our bodies is to bring up a liability that makes us less attractive. I think that’s a defeatist attitude that reinforces cis bodies as the attractiveness standard and prefer to talk openly and frankly about the fact that all bodies are different and people may have preferences. Knowing that my girlfriend is attracted to me because of, not in spite of, my body has been a life-giving force and I never would have gained that knowledge if I hadn’t been willing to have a body-focused conversation.
Also, whenever I hear trans guys talk about feeling like their masculinity is undermined by a gay women who’s attracted to them, I am reminded of the straight cis guys who justify violence against gay men by asserting that their masculinity was threatened by a come-on (actual or imagined). Maybe someone will be attracted to us and we’re not the typical object of that sort of sexual attention, but that’s fine! We can be flattered that someone recognized how cute we are and move on.
